Parents are the most influential sex educators for their children.
Perhaps this role feels exciting! By talking with our children about sex, we have the opportunity to right the wrongs of the past. We can give our children all the messages we wish we’d had growing up! But, it can also feel daunting. How are we supposed to know what to say, and when? Many of us are on our own journeys of learning (and healing) and don’t feel like we have all the answers.
Luckily, we don’t have to have all the answers to do a great job teaching our children about sexuality. Here are some highly effective and very approachable tips to get you started talking with your children about sex.
Expand Your Mind
First, take a moment to recognize all the different topics that fit under the umbrella of “sexuality”:
The part of “sex ed” that most folks get nervous about is “How am I going to explain to my kid how people have sex?” But, that is only one tiny piece of the puzzle. By talking frequently about all these topics, we paint a fuller picture of human bodies and relationships. So, the actual “having sex” part feels much more approachable.
Talk Early, Talk Often
The best time to start talking about sex is now, regardless of how old your kids are. As a matter of fact, the younger kids are, the less aware they are that sex could be an uncomfortable topic. This is a “rolling stone gathers no moss” situation! Begin talking about sex by teaching about bodies and sexuality as early as possible. That way, the whole family can develop a natural comfort around the topic. Moreover, this establishes open lines of communication that we can nurture and maintain over the coming years. Whatever age your kids are, talking about sex now will make it easier to talk again next time. And the time after that, and the time after that. You’ll be so glad you did!
Use Teachable Moments
It’s not enough to just give our kids a book and tell them that they can ask us any questions they have. That actually puts all the pressure on them to be the initiators, which isn’t fair. Instead, we can start talking about sex on a regular basis to model that it is okay to bring up this subject. Instead of saving it all up for one big talk sometime in the future, have LOTS of little talks–sometimes just a quick sentence or two.
This approach makes a bigger impact over time. Furthermore, you usually do a better job because you have so many chances to address issues that have some nuance. Short, frequent conversations about things happening in our daily lives also make talking about sex seem like less of a “big deal,” and taking the pressure off in this way makes it easier for kids to initiate conversations with us, too.
Examples of Teachable Moments:
(don’t avoid these opportunities, embrace them!)
- The dog has an erection
- A family friend uses different words for body parts than your family does
- You are buying tampons with the groceries
- Your neighbors are getting divorced
- A movie you are watching together has a “falling in love” storyline
It’s Not the Lyrics, It’s the Music
When we are concerned about how to explain something uncomfortable or complex, we can overthink it so much that we put it off for too long. Sometimes, we never actually talk about it at all! Understandably, these topics can feel high stakes. We don’t want to “mess up.”
The good news? It is okay to not know how to explain something eloquently. Young people will not remember the exact sentence you say. They will remember how they felt during the conversation. The goal is to create relaxed, positive vibes, demonstrating that these conversations are welcome and encouraged. Show your kids that they will be listened to and treated with respect—not shamed or shut-down—when something sexual comes up.
Remember your tone and body language
Kids might assume a topic will be embarrassing. They may expect to be told they are “too young” or “shouldn’t be thinking about that.” After all, if a parent feels nervous, our body language and voices can take on a stiff tone that can feel intimidating to a young person. As a result, they might even think they are getting in trouble.
Take a moment to be extra aware of how you are coming across when you’re talking about sex. Set your kids (and yourself) at ease. Intentionally relax your shoulders. Smile. Wrap your kid in your arms (if they like that sort of thing) or invite them to join you under a cozy blanket on the couch. Do whatever feels connecting and sets a positive tone. Offer lots of affirmations, like “I’m really glad we’re talking about this” or “Wow, that is such a great question!” to help your child feel that this is overall a positive experience.
It’s okay to make mistakes
If you don’t know how to explain something, you can be transparent about that. Then, show them that you are committed to figuring it out. “To be honest, I’ve never tried to put that into words before! Let me see if I can explain it.” (Smile! Use a soft, encouraging voice! Make them a hot chocolate while you do your best! Giggle together!) If you end the conversation on a positive note, they will be open to more future conversations. And then, you’ll get to refine your message over time.
Talking About the Joys of Sexuality
For some of us, this topic makes us nervous. Our minds can quickly focus on risks and dangers and “inappropriate” behavior and may be layered with shame that we’ve felt. But, think for a moment about what you want for your child to experience as they grow up. This is different for everybody, but some common themes that come up are that you want them to…
- Love themself.
- Be comfortable in their body.
- Be confident in their relationships.
- Experience joy and love and mutual respect and connection.
There are many beautiful aspects of the human sexual experience, and we can talk about them with our kids! We can help our young ones understand what they have to look forward to, and how they can expect to be treated. This helps people learn to set the bar high for what it means to be loved and what kinds of sexual experiences they deserve, and may support them in distinguishing between future healthy and unhealthy relationships with more confidence.
Your kids see kissing in a movie and think it is gross.
“I know kissing can seem weird at your age. When you get older, it could feel like a special and exciting thing to do with the right person.”
Your kids are experimenting with a variety of stereotypically gendered clothing options.
“I am so glad that you love to explore what feels right on your body and wear clothes that you love!”
Your kid wonders why they can’t sleep in your bed every night.
“I love cuddling with you! But I also love to cuddle with your mama, because she and I like to have our own special cuddling time too! It makes us feel relaxed and happy. Can I cuddle you in your own bed while you fall asleep tonight?”
Your young child is doing a lot of self touch (masturbation)
“I know you love your vulva and it feels very good to touch. Would you like some alone time in the bath or in your bedroom so you can have some privacy to touch your special body parts?
What About Actually Talking About Sex Though?
So, the tips listed above are all going to be helpful. But, you still might be wondering about the part where we tell kids about actual sex. Here’s a guideline that might be helpful: it is always okay for kids of any age to understand body parts and their functions. But, it is never okay to share pornographic materials with them.
In practical application, try to explain things honestly in plain and basic language. Don’t go into tons of detail. Then, if they have follow-up questions that are more detailed, answer them.
Additionally, you may want to help kids understand that there are many ways people have sex, and the people who are doing it are the ones who decide what to do.
Talking about Sex v. Talking about Reproduction
Specifically, recognize that sex and reproduction are two different things that often get conflated. Young kids asking about what sex means or where babies come from usually aren’t asking about the entire story at once. Instead, they are working to understand one piece at a time. Make sure you proactively provide info on both topics but feel free to take it in small chunks. If you are answering questions that they bring to you, focus your answer on the part they are actually asking, rather than trying to cover too much territory at once.
Sample Statements
It’s important to realize that some parents will have different values they want to share about the context in which sex or touching is okay. For example, some might have expectations around marriage, age, monogamy, etc. You may consider some of the suggestions below but of course they are not going to be right for everybody! Above all, follow your gut and go with what aligns with your values.
These sample statements on sex and reproduction probably seem weird taken out of context. Still, remember this is something you will hopefully talk about many times. So it doesn’t need to be perfect! Your job is to use casual language they can understand, set a positive tone to encourage open discussion, and work on building an understanding of general concepts.
Talking about sex:
- You know how our bodies have special private parts? When people get older, sometimes they meet another person that they love. Together they do a lot of close hugging and kissing, and they might even decide to touch each other’s private parts, like penises, vaginas, chests, and butts. Sometimes they touch these special parts with their hands, and sometimes they touch their private parts together. Touching private parts together is usually called sex. There are different ways people have sex.
- People have sex because it is one of the ways that they can enjoy loving feelings with each other. It also can feel really good to their bodies.
- When people are young, cuddling like that might sound weird. But, there comes a time when people get bigger that it can start to sound nice. This is not something for children to do–at your age, your private parts are just for you to touch. That is something that changes as you grow up.
- This kind of touching is something that should only happen if both people feel happy about it. If someone doesn’t want to, they shouldn’t have to! The people decide together what they like to do.
- People have different beliefs about when it is okay to have sex. In our family, we believe…
Talking about reproduction:
- Some kinds of sex can make a baby, and some kinds do not.
- Bodies with penises often have sperm cells, which are tiny specks that you can’t see without a microscope. They are half of what it takes to make a baby. There is wetness called semen that helps them swim out of the penis. Bodies with vaginas often have tiny egg cells inside—the other half of making a baby. To make a baby, people need to put the sperm and egg together before it grows inside of a uterus. There are a few different ways to do that.
- Penises and vaginas are made out of shapes that fit together. So, if people fit these parts together and the penis is inside the vagina, the sperm swims in and meets an egg to make a baby.
- People with penises can get their sperm out into a little tube. Then someone with a vagina can take that tube and squirt the sperm into their vagina so it can find an egg. Doctors help with this.
- Sometimes doctors help by taking the sperm and eggs out of the people’s bodies and putting the cells together. Then, they put that growing embryo into the uterus of the person who will be pregnant. The pregnant person carries that baby for nine months!
- When babies are born, they can come out two ways. One way is that uterus muscles push the baby out through the vagina. Another way is that doctors help via surgery.
- Kids who join families through adoption were made by eggs and sperm too. That is how all our lives start.
- There are lots of ways to start a family. In OUR family, the story goes like this…
Ultimately, you, the parent, get to decide what messages you want to send. Just don’t overthink it. Make it positive. Start now!
Sex ed is a lifelong journey, and parents are sex educators!
Lindsey Hoskins
Director of Health Education at Family Tree Clinic
Lindsey Hoskins (she/her/hers), is the Director of Health Education at Family Tree Clinic and author of The Principles of Pleasure: Working With the Good Stuff as Sex Therapists and Educators. Lindsey is a white, queer, cisgender mom with a transgender child, a non-binary spouse, and a passion for teaching sex ed.
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